Those Bananas Aren't Goin' ANYWHERE!
Getting hit in the eye with a raindrop is absolutely no reason to cry, but you could get away with it.
I have two exams and one paper left, then I will be rid of this semester. It's not like that is too much of a relief. It's like a huge weight off most people's shoulders, but I have been shrugging it off the whole time. What did I accomplishe this semester? I fell down my the stairs in my appartment, learned the French word for hitch-hike, convinced a stranger I am Irish, broke my hand, wrote a good story and had it raped by five people I hardly know, and bought a hat. Yep, this will definately one I tell the kids about. "Did I ever tell you about the time I wasted five months and four thoudans of Uncle Sam's dollars?" Really, I don't feel bad about this semester at all, It's my college and I'm still feelin' it out. Or up or something.
I have a friend whom I have not spoken to for something like four months and I assumed that she was just mad at me or something, but she called me the other day, just to catch up and say hi. I thought this made me feel all moist and gooey inside, but then I realised later that my liver always feel like that.
Ebay killed my god uncle with a mallet. The little one you use to crack crab claws. Little uncle, that is, not mallet. The mallet was huge, like something Daffy Duck would use.
Why is it that we feel the need to give race as a description when mentioning a person to someone else? "Who is Mike?" "Oh, the Latino who works with me." Why not, "My co-worker with the mole," or, "that guy with whom I work with the foot fetish."???? Why?
I bought a bunch of gift for my friends really chep off of Ebay. I can't say what they are, because someone might actually read this. These last three sentances were pointless and seld defeating.
There have been a few conversations I would like to have had in the past few days, but either I was a wuss in the actual situation, didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, or the situation was entirely imagined in the first place. Here goes:
At work, racist co-worker complains to me about other delivery guy, let's call him Joe.
Racist Cowerker: What the hell is wrong with Joe today?
AJ: You mean besides the fact that all you ever have to say to him, besides barking orders without even a thanks, is how clumsy he is.
RC: What?
AJ: Or the fact that you yell everything you say to him as if his skin color and lack of a driver's licence makes him deaf.
RC: I do not.
AJ: Oh ok. Where did he go?
RC: I told him he was invited to the christmas party, but that I forgot to put his name in the secret santa jar and I need ten dollars from him for the boss's gift and he just signed out and went home.
AJ: (as he "drops" a closed box cutter on her toe) oops. I forgot to open that first.
Standing outside a grocery store, a hippie walks up to recycle his grocery bags and notices my suede jacket.
Hippie: Cow killer.
AJ: How do you think they got those birkenstocks? Cut a sandal shape out of a still-living cow, then shipped it off to recovery at cow island?
I'm not sure what cow island has to do with anything, but I would have said it. In reality, the hippie just sneered at my jacket.
Faithful readers will reacall the mention of a girl with a bike shouting obscentities at me from accross the road.
Girl w/ Bike: What the fuck are you looking at you dumb bitch?
Something involving a boomerang ensues.
But alas, I do not posess and can not throw a boomerang. I really wish it would go ahead and get cold already.
The thing with trees is that they live a really long time, but hardly ever do anything. There are trees that have not even been seen by human eyes, I think. They just kinda stand there, all smug in their stoicness, watching the world go by. I would hate to be a tree, because trees are not allowed on airplanes and don't have the mouths to protest this injustice. And they don't even have the capacity to celebrate their birthdays, I mean, who knows how long a tree year is anyway?
Here is a christmas list, then I will be off to bigger and greater things. Like my couch.
Chartreuse Vert
Modest Mouse's first CD (I can't remember what is is called)
A guitar
Lord of the Rings extended version Box set
Norway
Proof that Iowa exists
Bob Newhart's head
Some nice gloves
Dinner at a good restauant with all my amigos
An oberable jet engine
Some gunpowder
good argyle socks
a gift certificate to a tatoo parlor
a big, bushy, red beard
a cold six of Duck Rabbit
a Rabbi's pinky
how about some Sox Yakees tickets?
Really, just drop by sometime and go to taco bell with me and it will be a merry chrismas for all.
The best accessory, if you want to be noticed, is a chainsaw.
I have two exams and one paper left, then I will be rid of this semester. It's not like that is too much of a relief. It's like a huge weight off most people's shoulders, but I have been shrugging it off the whole time. What did I accomplishe this semester? I fell down my the stairs in my appartment, learned the French word for hitch-hike, convinced a stranger I am Irish, broke my hand, wrote a good story and had it raped by five people I hardly know, and bought a hat. Yep, this will definately one I tell the kids about. "Did I ever tell you about the time I wasted five months and four thoudans of Uncle Sam's dollars?" Really, I don't feel bad about this semester at all, It's my college and I'm still feelin' it out. Or up or something.
I have a friend whom I have not spoken to for something like four months and I assumed that she was just mad at me or something, but she called me the other day, just to catch up and say hi. I thought this made me feel all moist and gooey inside, but then I realised later that my liver always feel like that.
Ebay killed my god uncle with a mallet. The little one you use to crack crab claws. Little uncle, that is, not mallet. The mallet was huge, like something Daffy Duck would use.
Why is it that we feel the need to give race as a description when mentioning a person to someone else? "Who is Mike?" "Oh, the Latino who works with me." Why not, "My co-worker with the mole," or, "that guy with whom I work with the foot fetish."???? Why?
I bought a bunch of gift for my friends really chep off of Ebay. I can't say what they are, because someone might actually read this. These last three sentances were pointless and seld defeating.
There have been a few conversations I would like to have had in the past few days, but either I was a wuss in the actual situation, didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, or the situation was entirely imagined in the first place. Here goes:
At work, racist co-worker complains to me about other delivery guy, let's call him Joe.
Racist Cowerker: What the hell is wrong with Joe today?
AJ: You mean besides the fact that all you ever have to say to him, besides barking orders without even a thanks, is how clumsy he is.
RC: What?
AJ: Or the fact that you yell everything you say to him as if his skin color and lack of a driver's licence makes him deaf.
RC: I do not.
AJ: Oh ok. Where did he go?
RC: I told him he was invited to the christmas party, but that I forgot to put his name in the secret santa jar and I need ten dollars from him for the boss's gift and he just signed out and went home.
AJ: (as he "drops" a closed box cutter on her toe) oops. I forgot to open that first.
Standing outside a grocery store, a hippie walks up to recycle his grocery bags and notices my suede jacket.
Hippie: Cow killer.
AJ: How do you think they got those birkenstocks? Cut a sandal shape out of a still-living cow, then shipped it off to recovery at cow island?
I'm not sure what cow island has to do with anything, but I would have said it. In reality, the hippie just sneered at my jacket.
Faithful readers will reacall the mention of a girl with a bike shouting obscentities at me from accross the road.
Girl w/ Bike: What the fuck are you looking at you dumb bitch?
Something involving a boomerang ensues.
But alas, I do not posess and can not throw a boomerang. I really wish it would go ahead and get cold already.
The thing with trees is that they live a really long time, but hardly ever do anything. There are trees that have not even been seen by human eyes, I think. They just kinda stand there, all smug in their stoicness, watching the world go by. I would hate to be a tree, because trees are not allowed on airplanes and don't have the mouths to protest this injustice. And they don't even have the capacity to celebrate their birthdays, I mean, who knows how long a tree year is anyway?
Here is a christmas list, then I will be off to bigger and greater things. Like my couch.
Chartreuse Vert
Modest Mouse's first CD (I can't remember what is is called)
A guitar
Lord of the Rings extended version Box set
Norway
Proof that Iowa exists
Bob Newhart's head
Some nice gloves
Dinner at a good restauant with all my amigos
An oberable jet engine
Some gunpowder
good argyle socks
a gift certificate to a tatoo parlor
a big, bushy, red beard
a cold six of Duck Rabbit
a Rabbi's pinky
how about some Sox Yakees tickets?
Really, just drop by sometime and go to taco bell with me and it will be a merry chrismas for all.
The best accessory, if you want to be noticed, is a chainsaw.
posted by AJ. That's right, AJ. | 5:20 PM
2 Comments:
Your blog is hilarious and I think a better we to be noticed is if you juggle a pack of squeling weasels in public. Well I'm gonna finish my paper now so adios amigo.
Your stuff is so hilarious and insightful! You are inspiring me to get back to one of my first loves---writing. I always planned to write a novel someday, and I will have to figure out what day "someday" is someday soon, you know?! I mean, I am 44 years old, afterall.
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